Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Good Wife
I've recently had some opportunities to tap into my God given talents and it's been pretty exciting, tiring, but exciting nonetheless.
I'm pretty picky with how I spend my time. I realize that life is short and there's no point wasting it doing things that you aren't passionate about. So I decided that I'd try my hardest to follow my passions.
I've always been a pretty optimistic person. Some of my close family and friends would say I'm a bit naive since I tend to look for the best in people. In the past I've had to learn the hard way that people don't always have the best intentions. I also assume that if you put your mind to something and work hard at it that you will always succeed. So I've been working my butt off on various projects. So much so that I've missed out on some family time with my kids but I always rationalized that with the fact that I'm teaching them that they must always work hard to succeed in life.
Being able to put out top quality work required me to lose A LOT of sleep but I didn't mind, I figured that I can sleep when I'm dead so as long as I have a cup of coffee to wake up to, I should be good. Well, this idea doesn't always work when you have 3 children who are currently out of school and one who's currently teething. It also doesn't work when you have a hubby who's pretty high up in rank in the military which means A LOT more responsibility on his part.
Basically something's gotta give. So what happens? I revert back to my normal role of "The Good Wife." In this role, my dreams, goals, passions are put on the back burner while I stand by my man's side.
Don't get me wrong, this is a role I cherish and love. However, I often find myself wondering where I would've been in life had I followed my dreams instead of my heart. Does that sound mean? I surely don't want it to come out that way and I'm certainly very grateful for what I have.
It's just that I've recently had to give up yet another dream of mine. It totally sucks and brings me back to a feeling I know all too well and I keep wishing I wouldn't have to keep feeling.
I'm tormented by the need to feel independent and want to do things other than being a wife and mom. I keep thinking that providing stability, structure, a clean home, great healthy meals, clean clothes, etc for my family is just not enough. I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough stuff or that I'm not enough.
I guess I just have a "Pioneer Woman" kind of mentality except that I just don't have the support system I'd like to continue this quest. Sure hubby tries to help out but him giving his job 100% often requires me to not give my all to my own projects.
I'm pretty bummed about having to give up on some of my recent projects. I hate feeling like I'm giving up or that I have to quit something. It's a nasty, gut wrenching feeling that I never want to experience but one that creeps up ever so often.
I just have to keep telling myself that my time and energy spent on my family is very much appreciated. I love my boys and they surely make me happy and fulfilled. I have no idea how to get rid of the feeling of not being enough for them and it's something I definitely need to work on.
Until then, I'll try my best to work on being enough for myself and my family...